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[16 Nov 2005|09:40am] So I'm alive. I'm in London though I will be heading out soon. Have to head back to New York at some point. Not to mention have to do some Givenchy stuff. I'll probably head over to Liverpool so Roy's family can see Milo. They don't see him much, mostly since Roy and I split up. But they understand. Hopefully Roy'll be there to see him too. He'll probably take him for a little while leaving me with some free time. I was looking through my phone book last night and found an old number that's been there for a little while. I picked up the phone and dialed it. It was great talking to Gary again. It's been a few years since I talked to him. We worked, well ok he was one of the producers, for one of the movies I did and then I saw him again on the Rings set when he came to see Sean on set. It was great. The phone call last night was a good conversation. Though I was shocked to hear somethings we talked about. I just hadn't thought about it. It was nothing bad just hadn't thought that way before. So before I head for home I'm going to head up to Derby to see Craig and so Craig can see Milo. So many places to go and so little time. Ok that's kidding as I don't have anything on my plate right now. Just enjoying being a mom. Though I have the odd thing here and there but other than that. Ok there's my taxi I've got to go. Heading to Liverpool to see my former in laws. I have my phone on if anyone wants to call. 25 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[11 Nov 2005|12:04am] So now that I have the chance I should probably update this. Sean's already said that Alex was here. He made his entrance into the world in spectacular fashion and a little early. He is absolutely adorable. He looks a lot like Sean. Yes for anyone who is wondering he does have my lips. We were home long enough for me to pack some things, I was going to move to a hotel for a little while until, Alex is able to fly, but was talked into moving into someone elses house for a little while. He wouldn't take no for an answer. So that's where I am, I'm at Marton's in London, and I guess we're going to Derby this weekend. Again wouldn't take no for an answer and I'm sure if Marton didn't drag me to Craig's play then Karl would have. Why is it that all of a sudden everyone won't leave me alone? Even if right now that's all I want. I guess it's nice to have everyone around. I have really missed Karl and Marton and everyone else. I have sort of been anti social. But I can't help it. Being pregnant I was tired all the time and just didn't feel like doing much. Oh and the bed rest thing didn't help either. Ok contrary to what people may think, I don't hate Sean, or do I, no I don't. Actually I don't know right now. It's still something to get used to. Not having Sean to call on or just talk to. I miss him. I love the bastard. Have for years. Have since we met. I made the mistake the first time of letting him go. I guess it wasn't mine to have. We tried. We fought so hard to get back what we once had but we just couldn't. We'd been apart to long. Ok I hear Alex crying better go see to him. I'll write more later when I get the chance. 8 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[05 Nov 2005|03:56pm] So I forgot about this. I know I suck. But well I'm pregnant and it's a little hard to remember everything. Least of all a journal like this. It's going to be even worse after the baby's born. So well what's been happening. Let's see, I'm only like a few weeks away from delivering this baby. Which'll make the sixth baby Bean born. It's father won't be here and probably won't be coming back. Apparently he's no longer in love with me. Oh sure he says he loves me but really I wonder how that works. You marry someone, they get pregnant and you say that you aren't in love with them. I think after the baby's born I'm going to go away for a bit. I'm not sure exactly where I'll go but I'll pack up mine and the baby's things and send them to New York and maybe we'll go on a trip. Mostly for me to think. Ever since Ring's there's only been one person I've loved with all that I was. And I honestly believed that he felt the same way. Apparently I'm an idiot. So now I'm going to be on my own raising a newborn trying to start my life over again. I should have known better than to fall into this trap again. I should have known but I just had to have back what I once had. I thought we could go back but again it was all a dream. A dream that had faded years ago. A dream I should have let remain gone They say if you love something you're supposed to let it go and if it comes back it's yours. Well I thought that's what had happened. No one told you it doesn't mean it's yours forever. I let it go, it came back, but no one tells you it's not the same. No one tells you you can't ever go back to the way things were before. That you can dream about it but it won't ever be they way you had talked about it. The way you had dreamed about for so long. I wish it could but I'm seeing now that it can't ever be that way. I hate myself for this. I hate myself for feeling the way I do. I don't know which way to go weather I'm going up or down or left or right. I think I'm going to lay down I have been feeling strange things all day especially after talking with Sean. 13 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[19 Sep 2005|10:09am] Ok should probably update this. Sean's still in Toronto. I had to come back. I managed to go to Toronto with him for the film festival but I have a doctor's appointment I had to get back for. I wish Sean could be here with it being so close to time for the baby to come. Sean wants me close to the doctor in case anything happens. I know he's thinking about Richard and what happened there. He'll always have that in the back of his head. This baby will be stubborn like it's father. It sucks that Sean has to be away so much but I knew what I was getting into when I fell for him. It's the business we're in. I've got Evie and Gary with me. Evie's back in school so she can't do doing a lot of travelling and it's just easier for one of us, meaning Sean or I, to be here while Evie's in school. I'll be here for a little while anyway well actually a long while. Sean's hoping he can get home for the birth of the baby but he probably won't be able to stay for very long after it's born. The joys of him having to work. I'm not sure where he's actually working next but the baby'll be to young to go with him so I'll stay home. Not sure when I'll be going back to work. They're still talking about stuff for each of the movies so who knows when they'll start. Of course with me being so close to my due date then I can't very well film now. But that's alright. They understand and are being patient with me. I hear Evie coming in from school and Gary is starting to get fussy so I better go. I better hear from some friend's. I miss you guys. It's lonely in London when everyone's gone. 23 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[19 Jul 2005|04:09pm] So I'm up in Canada sweating my pregnant ass off. No one told me it was going to be this hot. I woke up yesterday morning and read the paper. I must say there was an interesting article about my husband and some barmaid from England. I caught the first flight I could out of New York and flew to Toronto. I went straight to set and threw the paper in his face before starting to walk away without even talking to him. I was so angry. I honestly thought he was doing it again. He swore to me he's not doing it anymore. But right now I'm so full of hormones it's not even funny. One minute I'm laughing and the next crying. So eventually Sean and I stopped and talked. Then Georgina came and I met her. She seems nice enough. So yes now I'm in Toronto probably won't be leaving until Sean's finished work then it's home. I guess England is home now. London to be precise. I can't wait to get back to the house with Sean and Gary. I've got to get the baby's room ready for this one yet too. Haven't had time. I've been able to do a bit of shopping. Though the doctor hasn't wanted me to do to to much. He's still keeping an eye on me not wanting anything to go wrong with the pregnancy. Sean's watching me like a hawk too. I know he's worrying about weather the baby is going to be alright or not. He wants everything to be perfect I'm sure. No matter how many times I tell him everything is fine he still watches everything I do. That was the good thing about being in New York while he's been here. I could do as I pleased. Oh well it's nice to have someone worrying about me. It's nice. Really nice. Especially when I get foot massages too. Gary's crying I better go see what he needs. More later. 6 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[30 Jun 2005|06:25pm] Well I suppose I should update this. I've been lazing around the loft for the past few days. why? Cause I haven't been needed for work so I decided to veg at home! Now I get to relax and enjoy my weekend. Oooohhhh the long weekend is this weekend too. And the best thing is it's my birthday tomorrow. And Monday is the fourth of July. It should be a good weekend except for the fact that my husband is off up in Canada working. That's the only really crappy part of it all. The baby is growing like it should even with me working. I'm not sure if I want to know what it is. I'll have to ask Sean what he thinks. He thinks it'll be a girl but I don't know. It doesn't matter to me one way or the other so long as the baby's healthy. Ok Neal wants out so I'm going to go take him for a walk. More later. 2 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[19 May 2005|09:48am] I feel like I've come home. I don't know why but I've thought of New Zealand as home for a few years now. Maybe it's because the time spent here was wonderful. It was like we were in our own world, not having to think about anything else that was going on outside of our middle earth home. So many things went on here so many peaceful things. As soon as I stepped off the plane in Wellington all the memories came rushing back. Beatuiful wonderful memories. Memories that I pushed back for so many years but now, coming back, now that things have changed I can remember again. This week has been wonderful. Sean and I together back in the place we fell in love in. Especially here for such a beautiful reason. Sean Astin and I talked alot while on set. Talked about how we felt for the loves of our lives. We talked about how we felt about them, what we'd hoped. Never once dreaming that either of us would actually be having our dreams come true. Sean and I, Astin that is, continued to talk after filming ended. He helped me through the roughest time in my life. My marriage was ending but he was always there even when he was going through things of his own. When I see thing's when I come to my friend's page and I see Sean in particular upset about things that makes me upset. I hate seeing my friend's and loved ones get involved in things especially when they should be thinking about their own special day or other things that are important to them. I don't really know what the point of this post is but I thought I should type it up. Now I'm going to go back and see how Bean and Gary are. It seems quiet in this trailer. 6 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

[12 Dec 2004|07:04pm] So Mia and friend's finally talked me into getting one of these journal things. Haven't really much to update about. But I'll figure something out. So what's new in my life? Well not much really. Just enjoying my time alone for a little while. Not working right now. So sitting back and relaxing until I find something I like and will enjoy doing as much as everything I've done in the past. Roy is calling me constantly. I wish he'd leave me alone since we divorced. He keeps calling thinking he should be the one to have the house. I'm thinking of just giving him the house and moving away from New York. It might be better for me. I know dad and the kids are here but I just don't want to be bothered with Roy anymore. And he keeps calling wanting Neal. Well that's one thing he's not getting. I bought the dog so he's mine. Roy didn't even want him when we first talked about it. Ok I hadn't meant for this to turn into a bitch session. Somehow that happens all the time though. Mostly since the divorce. I'm slowly getting over it. It's hard. But I'm surviving and dealing with things. It's lonely sometimes but maybe with this I'll be able to keep in touch with my friend's this way. Hopefully some of them have journals. It'd be nice to talk to them again. I miss them. Anyway I should probably go and look over some of my schedule and see what I have going on. Busy busy busy. 88 Sang me a song|Sing me a song|disclaimer

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